I can officially say we’ve hit the 6 month / halfway mark of our zero-spend year. (Insert big exhale here.)
I can feel myself losing the initial energy and oompf that existed at the start of this challenge. When it was fresh, and novel, and anything felt possible.
I still feel the possibility of what this challenge symbolizes to me, to us. We have hammered our debt in ways I truly did not think was possible, at least not in this short amount of time. The actual money aside, the change in my relationship to money and spending has really surprised me.
In the past 5 years, my relationship with money would not have been something I pointed to as an issue in my life to be fixed. I wouldn’t consider myself a spendy person - shopping is probably one of my least favourite activities. I’d be more likely to define myself as a minimalist, living with less stuff and being particularly conscious with what I buy and bring into my life.
The last month had me noticing an uncomfortable money-related itch. I spend my days with my two kids (aged 2 and 1). It’s my full-time job / role / vocation in this season, and for the most part, I love that I get to do this. It is a privilege to have the means to stay home with them, to mother them, to care for our home, to integrate the many parts of intentional living into our daily lives that I care deeply about.
And yet - it’s a hard job. I don’t need to ramble about this, to parents or non-parents alike. We know what it is to live in the tension of the most good and beautiful parts of our lives while also wrestling with the heavy and the heartache. Motherhood, parenthood, is no different. It’s the moments of pure joy when I am fully present to my kids, laughing, playing, reading books, experiencing the world at their tiny and slow pace. In contrast to the bedtimes when your youngest has pooped in the bath / on the carpet / off the change table (yes, all in one night) while you’re solo-parenting after a long day and the other kid’s sick and you’re just like - what the heck?! is this for real?
When it comes to resting, to stepping out of the especially hard days and caring for myself, I find I’m turning to all the things that cost money. I want to treat myself to a pedicure, or go out to a coffee shop on my own, or browse a yarn store and maybe just take home a little skein of wool, or just buy that book which our library doesn’t carry. None of which I think are bad ways to spend money, to be clear. But when we’ve committed to a year where those things aren’t options, what then? How do I satisfy this need for “self care” without spending money.
Isn’t it curious, that self care has become a thing that costs money? That to feel as if I’ve truly done something for myself, there is a monetary cost to do so?
Perhaps I lack a creative spirit, a way of looking at these things that could be approached without needing to break our no-spend year commitment. True, I could soak my feet in my own damn apartment, or make myself a latte at home and take it to the park, or use up the wool-a-plenty sitting in my craft basket before needing to acquire more. But why does that feel like a “less than” approach to making time and space for myself?
This is what has intrigued me this past month, what has challenged me and felt hard. The ways in which my brain and my habits have been wired to care for myself through acts of spending money. That somehow I’m withholding self care by not embracing these previously semi-regular practices. It’s challenging to write those words, to say that has felt true, when I want to be better than that. I want to be someone who is satisfied with less, with more simplicity.
So right now, I’m just letting myself notice. Not fixing, not solving this problem. Simply noticing the tension. Feeling that space where I simultaneously want something, and choose to say no to it. Sitting more in the discomfort of the hard parts of parenting without the escape of self soothing. Feeling sad about it, and also, content in it.
Lately I’ve been…
Listening to the new Starpainter album “Rattlesnake Dream” on repeat. Finn constantly asks for “Uncle Joel’s music”, and really, there’s nothing I’d rather have spinning endlessly on our record player these days.
Watching our garden grow. Friends - I realize that planting seeds, and nurturing soil, and watering things generally yields growth, but honestly?! My mind is blown! Our garden is an oasis and I couldn’t be more proud.
Making Citrus All Purpose Cleaner and Apple Cider Vinegar from scratch. Trying out some new, zero-waste, pretty-much-free additions to our cleaning and kitchen routines.
Wearing the only two pairs of shorts I own (one thrifted, one a couple years old from Everlane), on repeat. The weather is warm here (not too warm) and I couldn’t be happier.
Thanks for your honesty. I have noticed sometimes that my mood can reflect in me wanting to spend money. Money I don't need to spend or even have to spend.